Movie Review: Snakes on a Plane (*****)

Watching movies is a waste of time, but as a service to you, my clients, I will watch and review 15-20 movies per week, in the event you decide wasting time is a good use of your time. I am not a time waster, so I will only post 1 of the 20 reviews I write each week (unless I decide to post none, in which case you are not allowed to watch a movie that week).

The first movie I reviewed is Snakes on a Plane, and I give it five asterisks (*****).

Snakes on a Plane is based on a true story and it stars FBI field agent Samuel L. Jackson, as himself. You’ll remember Samuel L. Jackson (SLJ) from other movies, such as the Star Wars movies, which were actually prequels to Snakes on a Plane, which itself is a prequel to Snakes on a Plane 2, which will never, ever be made (see below), and then of course, SLJ was famously tabbed to play the title character in a remake of TV’s Mr. Belvedere. The Belvedere project was later axed because test audiences didn’t buy into SLJ’s British accent, and SLJ didn’t think the script had enough snakes (even though it clearly did).

In Snakes on a Plane, SLJ is very stressed, and takes a much-needed vacation (to Minneapolis). Much to his consternation, the plane he boards has over 1,000,000 snakes on it.

The fact that so many snakes got onto this plane should not seem unreasonable to anyone. It’s a known fact that snakes are completely undetectable by current airport x-ray technology. Also, on flights to Minneapolis you’re simply allowed to carry snakes onto the plane anyway. It’s why Minneapolis is called the Snake Capital of the World, and also why nobody wants to vacation there.

In any event, near the end of an otherwise-uneventful movie, SLJ was quietly eating his airplane pretzels and working through a particularly difficult Sudoku puzzle when the young man (who was an Elvis impersonator, ironically enough) sitting at the end of his aisle gets eaten (whole) by a snake. Remaining calm, SLJ finishes his pretzels and a very small cup of Diet Pepsi, but becomes agitated when none of the flight attendants answer his call-button (he wanted more Diet Pepsi). Part of the reason they wouldn’t answer the call button is they were dead (of snake bites directly, and indirectly of poor career decisions). Also, the attendants weren’t allowed to give him more than one cup of Diet Pepsi anyway.

As one can imagine, SLJ becomes quite upset (because of his parched throat and because of the racist flight attendants who were dead), so SLJ ignores the “Please Stay Seated,” “No Smoking,” and “Snakes Are Eating Everyone” warning lights, and heads to the restroom to light up and splash some cold water on his face. SLJ made very good use of the "counting to 10" method of aggression management, and didn’t raise his voice once throughout the whole movie, even in the midst of so much death and poor in-flight service.

The movie ends on a very good note, when SLJ unboards the plane and immediately finds a vending machine full of cold, refreshing soda. Everyone else in the movie dies, including the director, which is why Snakes on a Plane 2 will never, ever be made (among other, more obvious reasons).

Rating Legend:
* Not Good
** Good
*** Better
**** Best
***** Reviewer Did Not Watch Movie Prior to Writing Review