The Rod Biscoe Letters

"Myspace" Conversation #12

2006-12-06T14:02:00.000-05:00

I recently had the following conversation with a Maid Service Company in regard to an issue I was having in the world headquarters of Rod Biscoe Life Coaching International. The HQ (as I like to call them) are immaculate. For the most part.

I changed the name of the Maid Service Company to protect their identity. Also, they didn’t want their call center to be inundated with new customer requests! I was very impressed with their level of service, and promptness. The customer is always right! That’s what they say at "Maid For You" (fake name).

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: Rod Biscoe

Dear Maid For You,

I have an interesting situation. I am a Life Coach. I am wondering if your expertise in Janitorial Services can help me tackle a problem.

Each week, "Bill" comes in for a Life Coaching Session. We are making great strides - Bill's marriage is improving, his confidence is soaring, and he's able to speak without stuttering now.

But Bill cannot overcome his intense desire to relieve himself in my office fern (sometimes #2, mostly #1). Without fail, Bill gets up about 45 minutes into the session and heads to the fern. I don't know what to do!

Do you guys clean up this sort of thing? I've been buying new ferns.

Best Regards,
Rod Biscoe
Life Coach

P.S. Do you know of any chemicals I can spray on my fern to "deter" Bill? Maybe cause a light allergic reaction?

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: "Maid For You, Inc."

We recommend you stop seeing this patient. There is no chemical to deter a person from urinating on a plant.

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: Rod Biscoe

Maid For You,

Thank you for your prompt reply and your recommendation!

Here's the problem: I would like to fire Bill as a client, but he is convinced he is fertilizing the plant. He thinks it's good for the plant (both #1 and #2, but especially #2). I insist it is not, although sometimes I wonder - The ferns I haven't thrown away are doing quite well (in spots).

When you are cleaning my offices, do you think you could replace the soiled fern (no pun intended) with an unsoiled, but dead, fern? When Bill comes back, he'll see the fern is dead. I think this will work, unless he tries to revive it by over-fertilizing.

When can you start?

Respectfully,
Rod Biscoe
Life Coach

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: "Maid For You, Inc."

We can start tomorrow our rate for this situation is $250 per hour. Please provide your credit card information and service address.

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: Rod Biscoe

Maid For You,

I think $250/hr sounds like a very, very fair price to clean one fern. Luckily I don't have more ferns!

So how soon after Bill's "session" can your people be there to clean the fern? Is it possible to have someone follow Bill around with a baggie? (Is that more per hour? I can provide the bags.)

Thank you for your cooperation in this matter.

Respectfully,
Rod Biscoe

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: "Maid For You, Inc."

Provide your credit card!

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: Rod Biscoe

Maid For You,

I'm quite concerned with your lack of responsiveness to my questions. I need to know...WILL YOU PROVIDE YOUR OWN BAGGIES?!!? I do not WANT to provide baggies, but I will if you CANNOT. I think one baggie will do (depending on size of baggie).

Sincerely,
Rod

P.S. I have a plastic shovel you can use, free-of-charge.

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: "Maid For You, Inc."

Credit card please!!

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: Rod Biscoe

Maid For You,

I would like for your maids to come over with their baggies soon.

Sincerest Regards,
Rod

P.S. Do you take credit card?

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As it turns out, "Maid For You" doesn't take credit cards, much to my consternation. I was looking forward to seeing their quality of work.

But don't worry. I had my fern problem fixed. I "claimed" my newest fern before Bill could by spraying porcupine urine on it. I didn't think that would work (which it didn't), so I also hid a live badger in there.

Myspace Conversation - #11

2006-10-08T21:25:00.000-04:00

Following is a conversation I had with a client of mine about what it takes to become a nurse.

Honestly, I have no interest in becoming a nurse (or a Male Nurse). I simply was showing interest in a client, because that’s what she needed at the time.

It’s what I do. I’m a Life Coach.

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: Rod Biscoe

Jessica,

I see you are studying to become a Registered Nurse. Congratulations!

I was thinking of becoming a Male Nurse (part time, for extra cash). Who do I Register with (to become a Registered Male Nurse)?

How much do you think I can make (part time; evenings, maybe some weekends)?

Thanks,
Rod Biscoe

P.S. I don't do needles.

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: Jessica

Do you actually want a serious answer to that?

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: Rod Biscoe

Jessica,

I'm not sure why I'd email you looking for sarcasm? I want to learn things from you (i.e., "Registering"; overcoming fear of stabbing people with needles; changing bed pans and adult diapers). I think with your help, I'd probably be able to pass the Registration quiz no problem. How many questions is it? Any essays?

Thanks again,
Rod Biscoe

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: Jessica

Um first of all you have to get into an RN nursing program. There is a two year program the ADN program and then there is a 4 years BSN which you will have your bachelors when you get done. After completion of the program you will take the test. I haven't taken it yet so I'm not sure what's on it. I believe it is multiple choice. They will teach you how to deal with needles, changing bed pans, and adult diapers. You should direct your questions to the nearest College.

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: Rod Biscoe

Jessica,

So it's just a written quiz? I wouldn't have to change diapers with people watching? (Honestly, I think I'd mess up the first time.)

So what made you decide to get into nursing? I'm doing it for the flexible hours and the money (how much?).

Thanks again,
Rod Biscoe

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: Jessica

Yes you have to change diapers with people watching. Most people mess up at some time.

No it's multiple choice.

Depends on where you live and where you work how much you make.

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: Rod Biscoe

Jessica,

I think the last job I would want to mess up is changing someone's diaper. I mean, seriously (you know what I'm saying, right?)

Let's say you messed up a surgery or something, and you got a bunch of blood on you. At least that can look cool (if done right). There's nothing cool about getting a dirty diaper all over yourself. That's why I think the first several diaper changes should be completely solo.

If I want to do surgeries on people, how many more classes would I have to take? One? (i.e., Surgeries) I bet you'd make more as a nurse if you could do surgeries.

You've been very helpful. Do you have any questions I might be able to answer?

Best Regards,
Rod Biscoe

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: Jessica

Um........you would have to be a surgeon to perform surgeries.

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: Rod Biscoe

Jessica,

I know. That's why I was willing to go to an extra class.

Is the class expensive or something? Money is not an issue.

Warmly,
Rod Biscoe

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: Jessica

How old are you?

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: Rod Biscoe

Jessica,

I'm not using Myspace as a dating service, Jessica.

I realize my desire to become a part-time male nurse (specializing in surgeries) is very attractive, but I'd like to keep this professional.

Sincerely,
Rod Biscoe

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: Jessica

Look I told you to contact your local college.

I am happily engaged and have no interest in using this site as a dating service.

Please stop e-mailing me.

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: Rod Biscoe

Jessica,

How old are you?

Sincerely,
Rod Biscoe

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I haven’t heard back from her. Through wishful thinking, she might’ve misinterpreted my last question about her age, and is currently figuring out how to end her engagement.

But I was simply trying to update my Client Records. I probably should’ve mentioned that.

Movie Review: The Guardian

2006-09-23T11:17:00.000-04:00

Nicknamed Waterworld 2 by some, The Guardian is actually a remake of the 1988 cult-classic, Coming to America. The original starred Eddie Murphy and Arsenio Hall as members of the royal class of Africa, roles slightly modified with the casting of Ashton Kutcher and Kevin Costner. In the original, Murphy came to America and quickly found employment at McDowell's (a McDonald's knockoff with slightly fewer menu items, but just as much cancer). Murphy's boss is played by the actor that reminds me of O.J. Simpson, but isn't, because he doesn't act as well, and he's never been framed for murder by the media.

In The Guardian, Ashton Kutcher stars as Stevenson Von Lars, Duke of Wales. The Duke is a rebellious young man, but instead of marrying an insanely beautiful commoner (a practice very prevalent among rebellious royals – see, e.g., Murphy in Coming to America and Simba in The Lion King), The Duke moved to America.

As with most Ashton Kutcher films, the script is top notch. That said, not every scene was as tight as this reviewer would have liked. For instance, read this outtake of a conversation between a Limo Service Driver and The Duke (Stevenson Von Lars):

"Are you VonLars?"
"No, I'm Von Lars."
"That's what I said."
"No, you said 'VonLars.' My name is Von Lars. There's a space...maybe two."

Of Note: The difference between "VonLars" and "Von Lars" to the human ear is perfectly imperceptible. It seems like a much better scene on script than on screen. With that in mind, I called a studio exec to find out the purpose for leaving it in.

"Hello, this is Rod Biscoe. (I'm a Life Coach, but I review movies for fun and money.) I have a question regarding the 'VonLars' scene."
"Which Von Lars scene?"
"No, the ‘VonLars’ scene."
"That's what I said, Mr. Bis coe."
"That's Biscoe."
"What?"

In any event, instead of serving up burgers like Murphy did in the original, The Duke served up disses when he landed a gig hosting a TV show in which he became quite exuberant when gullible people would fall for the most elaborate practical jokes ever invented.

"HAHAHAHA…you totally didn't know those burglars we sent into your house were actors. You should've seen your face when they shot your dog!!! You're so dumb!!!!!!!! I'm awesome!!!!!!!!!!!! HAHAHAHA…oh, your dog is really dead. I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU FELL FOR IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I’m rad!"

That was a pretty good show, but the magic didn't last forever. The Duke wanted to expand his horizons and see the world. So he joined the Coast Guard Search and Rescue squad. The Duke spent the rest of the movie riding around in a helicopter where, because of his Coast Guard Training, he could easily have conversations with someone sitting 10 feet away, in spite of thunderstorms and helicopter engines combining for ear-shattering decibel levels.

Unfortunately, Ashton Kutcher was not able to appear as himself in this movie. He wanted to, but execs feared someone would have "accidentally" landed a helicopter on him. Instead, Ashton stars as a brash, young, overconfident, overpaid, lanky, Not-nearly-as-attractive-as-Teen-Bop-says-he-is, member of an elite, upper class.

Kevin Costner also appears in The Guardian, but nobody cares.

Rating: *** (3 asterisks. It could've been higher (or lower), but I had to leave shortly after the opening credits. The credits were really good though. Great font choice.)

Movie Review: Anaconda (1997)

2006-09-04T14:39:00.000-04:00

After reading my review of Snakes on a Plane, quite a few clients asked that I review other important movies involving snakes. Apparently, they’re very intrigued by snakes (but are notably indifferent regarding planes).

So here is a bonus snake-movie review, about the award-winning documentary, Anaconda.

World-renowned scientists (Jennifer Lopez and Ice Cube, as themselves) realize they are bored with their lives as scientists and rappers, and travel deep into the Amazon to study large snakes (some up to 50 feet!) looking for adventure. Hilarity ensues.

Anaconda is probably the best movie about giant snakes in the Amazon I have ever seen. It narrowly beats out Tremors, solely on the basis that the snakes in Tremors were technically giant, pre-historic worms and also Tremors took place in Montana, Wyoming, or some other nondescript western state (like Oklahoma or Denver, maybe?).

Tremors was nevertheless an excellent movie, and is a seminal piece of Americana because it stars Kevin Bacon, Reba McIntyre (who, amazingly, was not appearing as herself), and Michael J. Fox's TV-dad (you'll remember the scene in which he really lets that one worm have it with all the guns in his underground rec room). The combination of these three actors provides a valuable link for actors and actresses from 1980s NBC sitcoms to 2000s WB sitcoms for the Kevin Bacon game. (In fact, Tremors is the reason the Kevin Bacon game exists in the first place. Prior to its making, people played the Burt Reynolds game, which is surprsingly less fun.)

Anaconda has none of these culture-changing trump cards, but it’s still pretty good; I especially like the snake dangling from a tree yo-yo snatch from mid-air (the Tremors worms can’t do that!) and the stereotypical, grizzled, shady riverboat captain played by Angelina Jolie’s dad, mostly because I like stereotypes. I appreciate that Hollywood places people in well-defined categories for us. It makes thinking and movie reviewing easier. (Related Free Advice – If you see an Asian man in a movie, know this: his character is a ninja or owns a dry-cleaning business. On occasion, both will apply, as they did in Karate Kid II.)

In sum, Anaconda was funny, but Tremors was better. If the Tremors worms were to migrate to the Amazon, or if the Amazon were to spawn a tributary in Montana, then that would probably be the greatest snake/worm movie ever. But we’ll take what we get.

Rating: Seven Asterisks (* * * * * * *) 3 for Anaconda, 4 for Tremors

Myspace Conversation - #10

2006-08-28T12:28:00.002-04:00

Following is a conversation I had with a Client on Myspace.com.

I don’t normally like initial consultations to get so deep, but I’ll play the cards dealt me. I saw an opportunity to learn a lot (for science), so I seized it.

For reasons that are quite obvious (scientifically speaking), I had to edit a couple of Don’s comments. My edits appear in [brackets]. Also, “Don” is not his real name. I edited that, too (not for scientific reasons, but for legal ones).

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: Rod Biscoe

Don,

I was browsing through some profiles and came across yours. The thing that intrigued me was that you are from Timberlake, NC.

I think that is amazing, and ironic.

Did you intend to dress like Justin Timberlake in all of your photos? Is that the dress code in Timberlake, NC? (I realize this is sort of a dumb question, considering the proof is in the pudding.)

Kindly,
Rod

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: Don

wow, it's funny that u ask that. did u intend 2 come across like a total [jerk]?

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: Rod Biscoe

Don,

I'm beginning to think you were offended that I said you were dressing like Justin Timberlake? I guess I should've known your outfits were much more reflective of the fashion stylings of the Backstreet Boys.

I do apologize for the mix-up.

But does your Backstreet Boys fetish make it awkward to live in Timberlake, NC? (Rhetorical question)

Ever-So-Kindly,
Rod

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: Don

man, u just don't quit. u sure r a [jerk], huh?

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: Rod Biscoe

Don,

I'm simply trying to get to the bottom of things. I'm a scientist, of sorts (I'm a Life Coach). In order to perform my job more adequately, I need to learn why people do what they do.

You have chosen to live in Timberlake because of your love (or hatred) of Justin Timberlake. I need to know which.

Thanks,
Rod

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: Don

hey, [jerk], give it a rest. go [jerk] with someone else.

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: Rod Biscoe

Don,

I'm a scientist!

I enjoy learning about the human psyche. I'm wondering why a grown man would devote his life to a member of a boy-band.

You hold the information I want, Don. You hold the key! Literally, your answers about your obsession with boy-bands could save me years in research. I'm a scientist.

Please help me. Help me, help you.

Regards,
Rod

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: Don

[I don’t respect] science.

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: Rod Biscoe

Don,

Can you at least tell me where you bought your boy-band clothes?

I'll presume "Hot Topic" unless I hear otherwise.

Bless you,
Rod

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: Don

r u mad at me b/c i'm on ur girlfriend’s myspace friends list or something?

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: Rod Biscoe

Don,

Okay, if you will not answer my questions about your obsession with boy-bands, can you at least tell me your favorite boy-band album? (Ricky Martin doesn't count as a boy-band.)

Also, does it bother you that most people in your category (i.e., compulsive boy-band fans) are pre-teen girls? Or does being the oldest person (and only male) in the group sort of make you their King? King Don?

I need to know. Science.

Scientifically,
Rod

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I’m not sure why I tried to have this important of a conversation during this time of the year.

I should’ve known that Don would be quite busy putting together his renewal subscriptions to Seventeen, Cosmo Girl!, and Teen Beat.

Movie Review: Snakes on a Plane (*****)

2006-08-21T17:35:00.000-04:00

Watching movies is a waste of time, but as a service to you, my clients, I will watch and review 15-20 movies per week, in the event you decide wasting time is a good use of your time. I am not a time waster, so I will only post 1 of the 20 reviews I write each week (unless I decide to post none, in which case you are not allowed to watch a movie that week).

The first movie I reviewed is Snakes on a Plane, and I give it five asterisks (*****).

Snakes on a Plane is based on a true story and it stars FBI field agent Samuel L. Jackson, as himself. You’ll remember Samuel L. Jackson (SLJ) from other movies, such as the Star Wars movies, which were actually prequels to Snakes on a Plane, which itself is a prequel to Snakes on a Plane 2, which will never, ever be made (see below), and then of course, SLJ was famously tabbed to play the title character in a remake of TV’s Mr. Belvedere. The Belvedere project was later axed because test audiences didn’t buy into SLJ’s British accent, and SLJ didn’t think the script had enough snakes (even though it clearly did).

In Snakes on a Plane, SLJ is very stressed, and takes a much-needed vacation (to Minneapolis). Much to his consternation, the plane he boards has over 1,000,000 snakes on it.

The fact that so many snakes got onto this plane should not seem unreasonable to anyone. It’s a known fact that snakes are completely undetectable by current airport x-ray technology. Also, on flights to Minneapolis you’re simply allowed to carry snakes onto the plane anyway. It’s why Minneapolis is called the Snake Capital of the World, and also why nobody wants to vacation there.

In any event, near the end of an otherwise-uneventful movie, SLJ was quietly eating his airplane pretzels and working through a particularly difficult Sudoku puzzle when the young man (who was an Elvis impersonator, ironically enough) sitting at the end of his aisle gets eaten (whole) by a snake. Remaining calm, SLJ finishes his pretzels and a very small cup of Diet Pepsi, but becomes agitated when none of the flight attendants answer his call-button (he wanted more Diet Pepsi). Part of the reason they wouldn’t answer the call button is they were dead (of snake bites directly, and indirectly of poor career decisions). Also, the attendants weren’t allowed to give him more than one cup of Diet Pepsi anyway.

As one can imagine, SLJ becomes quite upset (because of his parched throat and because of the racist flight attendants who were dead), so SLJ ignores the “Please Stay Seated,” “No Smoking,” and “Snakes Are Eating Everyone” warning lights, and heads to the restroom to light up and splash some cold water on his face. SLJ made very good use of the "counting to 10" method of aggression management, and didn’t raise his voice once throughout the whole movie, even in the midst of so much death and poor in-flight service.

The movie ends on a very good note, when SLJ unboards the plane and immediately finds a vending machine full of cold, refreshing soda. Everyone else in the movie dies, including the director, which is why Snakes on a Plane 2 will never, ever be made (among other, more obvious reasons).

Rating Legend:
* Not Good
** Good
*** Better
**** Best
***** Reviewer Did Not Watch Movie Prior to Writing Review

Myspace Conversation - #9

2006-08-15T13:40:00.000-04:00

The following conversation I had on Myspace.com was one of my shortest conversations ever.

Apparently some people simply do not appreciate free advice.

----------------- Original Message -----------------

From: Rod Biscoe

Matty,

I really thought the picture of you dancing while wearing a bandana and Under Armor t-shirt was cool. Sometimes I name my outfits. For instance, the outfit I have on in my picture is named Bill. What do you call that outfit? Something crazy, I'm sure.

Best Regards,
Rod Biscoe

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: Matty

dude what ?
name my outfitt ?
anyone who names ther outfitts clearly has isuess

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: Rod Biscoe

Matty,

If you would like, I could come up with names for your Bandana/Awkwardly Tight Shirt combo.

Here's what I'm coming up with (off the top of my head):

1. Scuba Steve
2. Steve
3. Ladies, Please Don't Date Me

You can pick any you like, although I don't really feel No. 2 is descriptive enough.

Best,
Rod Biscoe

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In hindsight, perhaps Matty wasn't ready for solid advice. I think his shirt was cutting off circulation to his bandana.

Myspace Conversation - #8

2006-08-15T13:23:00.000-04:00

I recently had a very interesting discussion on Mormonite-ism with a friend of mine on www.Myspace.com.

For those of you unfamiliar with Mormonites, they have a very broad range of interests, the greatest of which is polygamy.

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: Rod Biscoe

Hello,

You're Mormon.

A friend and I have a bet. Can you help us clear it up? I'm pretty sure I'm right, but we need an expert (i.e., a Mormonite) to break the tie.

It's true that one of the religious texts you guys use is The Book of Mormon Recipes, right?

Thank you for clearing this up. I can't WAIT to tell my friend how wrong he is. He's not very knowledgeable on world religions, especially the weird ones.

Thanks,
Rod Biscoe

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: Cassandra

Very confusing and offensive(?) email. I have never even heard of said cook book.

But good luck to you in your silly little bet.

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: Rod Biscoe

Hello again,

I'm not sure why you would be offended. Your profile said you were a Mormon. I figured it would be okay to reference that fact. Were you trying to keep it a secret?

Myspace is NOT the place for secrets.

Thanks,
Rod Biscoe

P.S. I did a Google search for "The Book of Mormon Recipes" and came up with a bunch of stuff. Not sure why I didn't think of that route before. Anyway, it appears The Book of Mormon Recipes includes magic potions and spells that convince women to marry multiple husbands and knit silk undergarments for them. Also it includes recipes for certain types of casserole, although the casseroles aren't necessarily magical, but they are delicious (according to Google).

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: Cassandra
Date: Jul 30, 2006 9:16 PM

Well just because the cook book exists does not mean it is a religious text that I study in church or base my daily lifes or beliefs on. No I am not trying to keep being Mormon a secret.

Perhaps I shall look it up so I can find these spells and put a little twist on them so i can have many a husband! But since I am not such a fan of casseroles I may have to skip that part of the book. :)

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: Rod Biscoe
Date: Jul 30, 2006 9:22 PM

Hello,

I don't know why someone would name their cookbook "The Book of Mormon Recipes" if it wasn't religious. Plus, the magic potions and spells sort of give it away as "religious." (I think the casseroles are neutral: not religious, but not not religious.)

So, after you buy the book, which recipe will you bake first? I'm not a fan of olives, but I do like the clever play on words of this recipe: Polive-ygamy Casserole.

Kindly,
Rod Biscoe

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: Cassandra

Rod (I went to Homecoming with a boy who has that name),

Perhaps they were taking things they had seen in their own lives and experiences and relating them to the Mormon culture because that was their preception of the religion and the world. HA!

I am not going to purchase the book because I don't need a spell to catch men.

Cassandra

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: Rod Biscoe

Cassandra,

I didn't know Mormons were allowed to attend homecoming?

Or do you mean THE homecoming (you know what I mean...when you use the Mormon Spaceship to travel back to the Mormon home planet).

I'll be honest...I don't know if I believe in aliens or not, but if you guys do...well, I guess that's your thing. But I've never met one (an alien...I've met plenty of Mormons).

Sincerely,
Rod Biscoe

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: Cassandra

Rod,

I originally thought you were just flirting with me, which I was not opposed to because it is one of my favorite things in the entire world. (seriousally it is like a sport that I excell in) But if you cant drop the Mormon mocking then the flirting must end!

Fair thee well,
Cassandra

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: Rod Biscoe

Cassandra,

Oh man...I'm sooo embarrassed. Honestly, I'm very sorry. VERY sorry.

I mean, I wasn't flirting at all.

Okay, now can you answer me another question? Are you allowed to marry just one man? Or do you have to marry them in lots of a dozen, or is it a bakers' dozen now?

Sorry for the mix-up,
Rod Biscoe

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: Cassandra

WHy dont you just go to the church web site and get some accurate info.

www.lds.org/

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: Rod Biscoe

Cassandra,

Thanks for the link!

But I couldn't find "The Book of Mormon Recipes" anywhere on your site.

Which leads me to one conclusion...

You guys can't compete with Amazon's prices.

I'd think you'd get discounts or something?

Increasingly,
Rod Biscoe

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: Cassandra

Are you taunting me or serious? Do you really think that because I am Mormon I should worship a cook book that a bored house wife wrote? Dude I dont get it. You are totally confusing me. Ok, ok, yes I have 5 husbands and horns and could not go to Honecoming, and will some day take a spaceship to 'planet mormon'.

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: Rod Biscoe

Cassandra,

I never said anything about horns.

Respectfully,
Rod Biscoe

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Honestly, I wasn't upset she didn't respond further.

That thing about her having horns freaked me out.

Myspace Conversation - #7

2006-08-04T12:42:00.000-04:00

Following is a conversation I had with a "person" named Samantha on Myspace.com. I think by the end of our discussion, I'd gotten a little too close to knowledge that could endanger my very existence. With that in mind, read at your peril.

Note: Sometimes I had to edit her comments because she was using other-worldly language. My edits appear in [brackets].

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: Rod Biscoe

Samantha,

I noticed on your profile you said you were into "science fiction, paranormal" type stuff. I think that's pretty neat. Most people wouldn't admit to that, considering.

What type of paranormal stuff do you like? Do you know that the word "paranormal" comes from the Ancient Incans? To the Incans, the word "paranormal" actually meant "Abnormally Large Goiter." The unusually large size of the goiter led the Incans to believe a ghost (or demon) was living inside the throat-growth. But now we can have paranormal activity without goiters, so we still use their word.

I can't believe you're into that stuff. Do you get enough iodine? If not, you might get a paranormal.

Best Regards,
Rod Biscoe

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: samantha

Rod,

Very interesting. No, I did not know the origination of the word "paranormal". I don't really mind being different or admitting to beliefs that some would consider uncool. Who cares. Basically I believe in keeping an open mind about things. I don't believe that man knows all the answers to everything in the universe. I think it makes life and the world much more interesting to believe that there is a lot more out there for us to discover. I don't claim to have been abducted by aliens or anything like that but I don't discount other tales of such happenings.

My father instilled this lifelong interest in me and I suppose it's here to stay. I only in the past few years became more interested in ghosts and spirits, etc. I usually don't share this with anyone but I had a life changing experience after the death of my grandfather. The same night of his death my grandmother and I heard a voice that called her name. After the voice, we both turned and looked at each other. I asked her, "Did you hear that?" She nodded her head. Since then, I have wondered if that was my grandfather or an angel or something else? Was it a message of comfort or was there more to the message that did not come through. It's something I'll always wonder.

Sam

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: Rod Biscoe

Samantha,

You're welcome.

A lot of people aren't aware of the Ancient Incans or their enlarged goiters. It's something the media won't talk about (for obvious reasons).

I'm glad you believe me.

Can you do me a favor? Can you tell the story of the Ancient Incans (and their goiters) to your alien captors the next time you're abducted? I think they'd like to know.

Thanks in advance,
Rod Biscoe

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: samantha

You know you come off as a total [butthead].

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: Rod Biscoe

Samantha,

I wasn't expecting that kind of response from you. Not from you, Samantha.

Did "they" tell you to say that?

Intrepidly,
Rod Biscoe

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: samantha

So where do you sell your instructional videos on "How To Be The Biggest [Butthead] Possible In The Shortest Amount Of Time"? It's not hard to see why you haven't accumulated ANY friends on MySpace. No matter because you love yourself A LOT.

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: Rod Biscoe

Samantha,

I thank you for your interest in my instructional videos.

You might want to watch them while you still can. I don't think my DVDs are compatible with alien technology. But, then again, you'd know better than I would.

In any event, can we get back to the issue at hand? Do you get enough iodine?

Faithfully,
Rod Biscoe

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: samantha

Boy you're an [butthead] alright! You must be working with a bit of "alien technology" yourself because I wasn't aware that they could hook you up to the interent in a VAN DOWN BY THE RIVER. Next time I'm "abducted" I'll be sure to tell the "aliens" who to probe next, ROD.

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: Rod Biscoe

Samantha,

You've really changed since we first started talking.

Did "something" happen?

Concerned,
Rod Biscoe

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: samantha

You've wasted enough of my time.

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: Rod Biscoe

Samantha,

When you said "my" did you mean "our"?

I mean, I need to know if you're speaking just for you...or for all of your "people."

Thanks,
Rod Biscoe

-------------------------------------------------------------
-------------------------------------------------------------

I'm a bit worried about Samantha. She hasn't responded to my last e-mail. I will presume either:

(A) Whatever planet she is currently on has very unreliable internet access, or
(B) She was just pretending to be my friend.

Probably (A).

Thoughts, Theories...and Thoughts: 1-7

2006-07-31T11:02:00.000-04:00

1. As a child, I would clean the sink with my toothbrush after each brushing. In hindsight I think it was a bad idea (because by comparison the counter looked kind of dirty).

2. I can't imagine why anyone would ever eat something made out of squirrels or wolverines, but I'm sure they do. I've heard they're high in both potassium and communicable diseases. (I'm allergic to potassium.)

3. If I ever start a pyramid scheme, I think the first person I'll try to sign up is Fidel Castro, because he can make his entire country join through military force. (For my concerned readers: I don't support Communism or pyramid schemes...individually. I don't mind combining them.)

4. If I had to rank the armed services from top to bottom, I'd put the Marines first and the Girl Scouts last. (Not included in this year's list: Jehovah's Witnesses. Better luck next time.)

5. Growing up, I had a good friend that made quite a bit of money selling lemonade in front of his house. But he didn't have a business permit for it, so I turned him in to the authorities and his family got sent back to Mexico. Poor guy.

6. Rupert Murdoch recently purchased Myspace.com, but I still haven't been able to find his Myspace profile. When I do, I'll e-mail him:

Rupert,

Next, I think you should buy France, and then sell it to Antarctica on the cheap. That'll give France something to really whine about.

Love,
Rod Biscoe

P.S. What do you think about Pyramid Schemes? Let me know if you're interested ($$$).

7. At a recent business conference I attended, there were 14 different speakers, and none of them could bench press more than 200 lbs. At least I presumed they couldn't, considering they didn't include it in their presentations.

Myspace Conversation - #6

2006-07-24T11:17:00.001-04:00

Recently, I had an interesting conversation on Myspace.com about anthroponomastics (that is, the study of personal names).

The gentleman I discussed this with is named Aubrey. Obviously, he has a vested interest in anthroponomastics, and he demonstrates as much by his willingness to discuss the subject matter so passionately.

Per usual, I had to censor my new friend's exuberance. My edits appear in [brackets].

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: Rod Biscoe

Aubrey,

Sir, I really think it's amazing that you're sticking with the name your parents gave you. Not many would've, considering.

Respectfully,
Rod Biscoe

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: aubrey

who [in tarnation] are you?

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: Rod Biscoe

Aubrey,

Can I call you Aubrey? Honestly, I'll admit, it still feels a little silly.

If you'd rather I call you Peter or Big Tom, let me know. I'd understand.

Faithfully,
Rod Biscoe

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: aubrey

sure man but who [in Tarnation] is this?

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: Rod Biscoe

Big Tom,

Wow...that was refreshing! It just rolls off the tongue. Biiiiig Tooooommmmm.

Say it. It's great.

Best Wishes,
Rod Biscoe

P.S. You should probably post a Myspace Bulletin so all your friends will know of your new name.

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: aubrey

ok biggggg tommmm [you're a jerk, you jerk] aubreys not my real name

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: Rod Biscoe

Big Tom,

That's the spirit...OF COURSE Aubrey isn't your real name.

You're getting good at this, "Big Tom"!

Try it one more time now...just to make sure it sinks in.

Sincerely,
Rod Biscoe

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: aubrey

[I'm saying a bunch of mean things, and I'd like to date your sister if you have one, you jerk]

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: Rod Biscoe

Big Tom,

You were doing so well, but then you went and forgot to use your new name! If you really want to stick with Aubrey, I understand (but I don't agree).

Regretfully,
Rod Biscoe

-------------------------------------------------------------
-------------------------------------------------------------

I'm glad that Aubrey and I could take that little scientific journey together. I feel we're both better people for it. I have a new outlook on how men deal with having a unique name, and he now understands that it's not all in his head...Other people think he's named after a woman, too.

Friends are friends forever...a heartfelt blog.

2006-07-17T13:39:00.000-04:00

Many of you have heard of the Myspace.com website. For those of you that haven't, watch Dateline. They're running a special. Hopefully you don't see your uncle on it.

If you have a Myspace profile, I'd really love to be your friend: Rod Biscoe. Now read on...

Unlike many people on Myspace, my goal is not to make real friends...only fake friends. (I don't want that statement to diminish the bonds I've developed with Shelly, Stacey, Peeps, Veronica, and Killa.)

I admire people that can overcome. (And by "overcome" I mean "overcome the urge to call me for help in times of crisis.") I'm running low on minutes. In fact, I'd love if my fake friends (I'll call them FakeFriends, for short) threw FakeFriends parties in my honor, and forgot to invite me. I'm very busy that night anyway.

Don't get me wrong. I enjoy giving people advice. I just prefer if my advice was unsolicited. I find people respond better to it that way. It's sort of like giving a swift, unexpected kick to a homeless person, as opposed to giving him a nickel. Initially, you might break his rib, which would be quite painful. But in the long run, his broken bone will heal much stronger than it was originally. And you certainly can't buy an improved rib bone for a nickel.*

Actually, now that I think about it, I suppose you could kick anyone, not just homeless people. Everybody has ribs (and wants nickels).

Back to my FakeFriends: As you might have noticed, I don't have a Top 8 displayed on my Myspace profile (FYI: People put their favorite 8 people in their Myspace Top 8). That's because I can't decide which of my FakeFriends I'm the most apathetic about, and that would be my criterion.

But I would love for my FakeFriends to think I'm their real friend. They should want to put me not only in their Myspace Top 8, but also their Everything Top 8.

"Oh, Rod Biscoe? Yes, he's in my 'World's Most Outstanding and Charming Motivational Speakers Top 8' and 'Best Use of Hair Products Top 8' and the like."

My goal: I want to make 10,000 FakeFriends on Myspace. I can't wait to not talk to them.

Currently, I'm approximately 10,000 FakeFriends away from reaching my goal. It's been a long, hard road, but its almost over, folks. I can smell the finish line. Tell your friends (fake or real).

Best Regards,
Rod Biscoe

* More on nickels: These days, you can't buy anything for a nickel. So it doesn't make much sense to give one to a homeless person. So, instead of giving him a nickel, take a few bucks out of your pocket and buy something nice for yourself. Giving a nickel to a beggar will only serve to frustrate him. "Oh, I'm homeless. And now I have a nickel, but that won't even buy me a fifth of scotch or an iPod. Stupid nickel." The only time you should ever give a homeless person a nickel is if you need five pennies in return. That helps both of you out.

Happy Birthday!!!!

2006-07-13T13:57:00.000-04:00

Today is the birthday of one of Rod Biscoe's biggest fans. She's a woman that can do amazing things: Drive a car; Open a really, really difficult jar of pickles; and Make a monkey dance using mind control alone. I'm kidding. She can't drive at all.

So, with that in mind, I created this birthday card...

The untrained eye might not see me in the above birthday card. That's because I'm wearing camouflage. The only thing that isn't camouflaged is my gold chain and bracelet. I didn't want to get them dirty. Plus, I thought I'd give the enemy a fighting chance to see me before it's too late. (And by "enemy" I mean the Soviet Union and/or Nebraska.)

It's really too bad you can't see me, though, because my hair looks pretty terrific. Shortly after the picture was taken, I wrestled a bear.

Conversations with Mom...

2006-07-07T09:32:00.000-04:00

My mother and I have a very deep, very meaningful relationship. She opens up to me, and I open up to her. It's something every mother/son duo strive for (or should).

For example, following is a conversation I had with her when I was at her house for breakfast today:

Mom: Rod, sometimes I just don't want to wake up in the morning.

Rod Biscoe: Hmmm...Interesting. Would you rather be dead?

Mom: Yes.

Rod Biscoe: Great. Pass the milk?

Myspace Conversation - #5

2006-07-06T15:06:00.000-04:00

Following is a conversation I had on Myspace.com with a gentleman named Killa.

Killa and I have a lot in common, as you'll see, but it was our mutually intense desire for friendship that drew us together.

Note: Occasionally, my new friend (Killa) was forced to use very strong language to demonstrate his joy of having me as a friend. I edited those strong friendship words by replacing them with equally as strong, family-friendly verbage. My edits appear in [brackets].

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: Rod Biscoe

Killa,

Thanks for requesting me to be your friend here on Myspace.

It really did mean a lot.

That said, I still have to deny your request, considering.

I'm sorry,
Rod Biscoe

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: killa

[Forget] you I didnt request you as a friend I hate motivational speakers

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: Rod Biscoe

Killa,

I hate them, too. We have a lot in common. Maybe we should be friends?

Thanks,
Rod Biscoe

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: killa

[Forget] you I never sent you that [darn] request I dont like you get that thru your stupid [smelly] head I am not nor do I ever want to be friends with you!!!!!!!!!!!

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: Rod Biscoe

Killa,

That's what I'm saying. We're both passionate people; we wear our emotions on our sleeves. That's why we'll make such great friends.

Do you want to hang out this weekend?

Amigos,
Rod Biscoe

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: killa

Go to [Cleveland] you are so [darn] dumb you dont even know when someone is telling you to go and commit sucide you got that you [FARTIN’ SMELLY] HEAD!!!!!

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: Rod Biscoe

Killa,

Now since we're friends, maybe you could tell me a bit more about your name?

Killa...It sounds Russian.

I'm excited!!! You're my new Russian friend!!!

Perestroika,
Rod Biscoe

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: killa

GO TO [CLEVELAND] I AM NOT NOR DID I OR DO I EVER WANT TO BE YOUR FRIEND SO GO [BE MEAN TO] YOURSELF OR JUMP OFF A BRIDGE I DONT CARE WHAT YOU DO AS LONG AS YOU LEAVE ME [VERY MUCH] ALONE YOU GOT THAT YOU [BIG JERKY JERK]!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: Rod Biscoe

Killa,

So let me get this straight...

You're NOT Russian?

Respectfully Yours,
Rod Biscoe

P.S. Dutch, maybe? I met another Dutch person on here (named Peeps). Do you know her, perchance?

-------------------------------------------------------------
-------------------------------------------------------------

Looking back, I get a little misty-eyed to see what close friends we became in such a short amount of time. I imagine we'll probably be friends for weeks to come, if not days.

Myspace Conversation - #4

2006-06-30T12:06:00.000-04:00

I recently had the following conversation on Myspace.com with a person apparently having an identity crisis. Read on...

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: Rod Biscoe

Veronica,

You look like you'd be really into reading. I think that's admirable. Most people your age aren't (I don't know how old you are, but you look like you're at the age where you wouldn't (or couldn't?) read, but would be more interested in video games or playing with GI Joe dolls or doing drugs).

Honored,
Rod Biscoe

P.S. My local library has a reading competition each summer. If you want, I can see if you could compete (maybe via the phone?) Let me know.

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: Silvana

Sure, yeah I like reading. It gives me something to do.
Silvana

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: Rod Biscoe

Veronica,

What's your favorite book?

Wondering,
Rod Biscoe

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: Silvana

I think you sent me the wrong messages... lol

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: Rod Biscoe

Veronica,

I think we got off on the wrong foot. Can we start over? Hmmmm...assuming we can, let me get to know you a bit: Do you like to read?

Love,
Rod Biscoe

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: Silvana

Im not Veronica, my name is Silvana. I like to read yes, but my name isnt Veronica...

Silvana

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: Rod Biscoe

Veronica,

So what's your favorite book?

Still wondering,
Rod Biscoe

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: Silvana

My name is NOT VERONICA!
Look at my profile, my name is Silvana

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: Rod Biscoe

Veronica,

Ok, I looked all through your profile, but I STILL couldn't find the name of your favorite book. Where is it?

Thanks,
Rod Biscoe

-------------------------------------------------------------
-------------------------------------------------------------

She finally did respond later with the name of her favorite book, "The Da Vinci Code," which is kind of a silly considering that's a movie. I don't know...maybe they'll make the movie into a book for her?

The e-mail chain was a bit disappointing. I thought we'd be able to discuss fine literature. I probably gave her too much credit though. We're talking about a person that didn't even know her own name.

Myspace Conversation - #3

2006-06-29T12:00:00.000-04:00

I had the following conversation on Myspace with an interesting young German person (at least I assumed she was German). She didn't really feel like talking about her heritage, but I didn't let that affect me. I've slightly changed her name for the purposes of this post in order to protect her German identity (plus, I'm highly afraid of German people and their trained, attack German Shephards).

Interesting: Even though she doesn't really claim her German roots, you'll notice she uses very common German words such as "wna" and "kno."

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: Rod Biscoe

AHHHH PEEP PEEP,

Will you please add me as one of your Myspace friends?

Thanks for your consideration in this matter.

Love,
Rod Biscoe

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: AHHHH PEEP PEEP

who are you and why do u wna be my friend?

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: Rod Biscoe

AHHHH PEEP PEEP,

Honestly, I want to be your friend because I've never heard of a name like AHHHHH PEEP PEEP before. Is that German?

Inquisitively,
Rod Biscoe

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: AHHHH PEEP PEEP

peep peep is my nickname actually its peeps and thats the only reason?

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: Rod Biscoe

Peeps,

I guess I thought you were German, but "Peeps" sounds more Dutch to me than anything.

Interestingly enough,
Rod Biscoe

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: AHHHH PEEP PEEP

honestly i wouldnt add u because i dont really know you and i only add people i kno. im sorry.

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: Rod Biscoe

Peeps,

It's okay. I realize the Dutch are a very private people. It's probably why they wouldn't choose a side in World War II.

No offense,
Rod Biscoe

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: AHHHH PEEP PEEP

im not dutch so i dont take offense to it. im a little bit german and everything else but not dutch.

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: Rod Biscoe

Peeps,

Would you say you're more Northern Dutch or Southern Dutch? Peeps has a very Northern Dutch ring to it, don't you think?

Let me know,
Rod Biscoe

-------------------------------------------------------------
-------------------------------------------------------------

I will let you know when she gets back to me again. I expect it'll be as soon as she looks into her Dutch heritage. I don't think she'll like what she finds, considering how much better German dogs are than Dutch ones.

Myspace.com Conversation - #2

2006-06-21T11:05:00.000-04:00

Following is an e-mail conversation I had on Myspace with a southern belle named Stacey (not her real name). You’ll notice she might’ve received language lessons from the local sailors. I cleaned it up for family viewing, but I didn't correct her spelling and/or grammar. That seemed like too much work.

Editor's Comment: It's come to my attention that my censorship of Stacey's sailor-like language isn't entirely clear to all my readers. I should've suspected as much. So, let me be clear: When you see bracketed material below, it means I've replaced what Stacey really said with my interpretation thereof. Other than that, those were all Stacey's real words (even though some of them aren't real words).

For example, if Stacey says, "I think you are a jerk," I might edit it to read, "I think you are [not a nice person]," or something like that.

Anyway, on with the exchange:

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: Rod Biscoe

Stacey,

I noticed you are from Myrtle, Mississippi. My family used to vacation there all the time, except it used to be in South Carolina.

That's weird,
Rod Biscoe

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: Stacey

What use to be in SC????

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: Rod Biscoe

Myrtle Beach. It used to be in South Carolina.

Honestly, I had no idea they could move an entire town like that. Especially considering all of the sand. Sand is very heavy (in large quantities...I'm sure you know this already).

Wishing you the best,
Rod Biscoe

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: Stacey

I don't live in Myrtle Beach. I live in Myrtle. It's halfway in between Tupelo, MS and Memphis, TN on Int. I22! Look it up smart[butt].

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: Rod Biscoe

Stacey,

I don't need directions to your place. I barely know you.

Plus, I hate the beach.

It was a nice gesture though. You Carolina girls are the best.

Thanks for asking,
Rod Biscoe

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: Stacey

I am from [freaking] Myrtle! It's a [gosh darn] town of like 200 people! It's small as [heck] but it's a [gosh darn] town! And it don't have a [darn] beach! I wasn't inviting you! You look like a [man that wouldn’t be romantically involved in a relationship with a woman]!! And your video is [freaking] stupid too

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: Rod Biscoe

Stacey,

Oh, you watched my video? What'd you think?

Impatiently waiting your response,
Rod Biscoe

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: Stacey

U know, I'm a nice girl. And I don't know y u done came on here startin [stuff]. Like u have nothin betr 2 do.

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: Rod Biscoe

Stacey,

I can't help but think we got off on the wrong foot.

Is this because I don't like the beach? Seriously, I'm sorry. Some people just don't like the beach. I'm one of them.

Can I presume you like the beach?

Respectfully,
Rod Biscoe

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: Stacey

I love the beach but I don't live near it! The largest water round here is some mud holes in my backyard I play in with my 4wheeler.

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: Rod Biscoe

Stacey,

Can we stay on subject? Did you like my video?

Love,
Rod Biscoe

-------------------------------------------------------------
-------------------------------------------------------------

I'll let you know when I get another reply from her. I presume she went back to watch my video again.

Stay Tuned, part 2...

2006-06-20T17:11:00.000-04:00

See the previous post, and change "(or maybe Tuesday)" to "(or maybe Wednesday)"

I apologize for the delay. "You don't want to rush a good thing, because then you just have a good thing, rushed." Obviously, that's a famous Mark Twain quote. He said it about fried chicken, but I think it applies to this situation as well.

Stay Tuned....

2006-06-16T16:27:00.000-04:00

Please come back Monday (or maybe Tuesday) for the unveiling of the all new line of Rod Biscoe t-shirts. In the meantime, start saving your money. Each of the collectible t-shirts will be sold auction-style.

Here's a hint at what you'd look like in one of my collectible Rod Biscoe t-shirts: Delicious.

LETTER: Back to Basics Shampoo

2006-06-12T16:47:00.000-04:00

I use Back to Basics Shampoo for all of my shampooing needs, and, as such, I have more thoughts about shampoo than most. Here are some of them.

(Remember, read it out loud.)

"Interview This" – Behind the Scenes #1

2006-06-09T10:47:00.000-04:00

The following is an excerpt from the journal I wrote during production of the legendary "Rod Biscoe's Interview This." If you haven’t seen the video yet, do so now. It will enrich your mind, body and soul in ways I cannot describe or imagine. I thought it would be overly wise to chronicle the endeavor for future generations, and also because biographers will find it very useful when trying to better understand me.

Here are some notes I made about the crew…

The Crew (The Biscoe Crew…the BisCrew? The Rod Crew? The Rod Carew?)

Harrington Von Strausenhausen, Age 6: Writing this kid’s name makes me want to punch myself (or maybe a puppy?). (Note to Rod: Remember to bring that up at the next staff meeting.) I’ve placed HVS (pronounced “Hives”) in charge of accounting. His major drawbacks: He doesn’t really know how to add, and his long division is horrible. Non-existent, really. Also, he’s not a “people person,” even though his résumé led me to believe otherwise.

The Frannelli Twins, 10 and 11 (I think): I can’t tell the twins apart, so I call them both Peter. They don't like the name. Maybe it doesn’t sound nice with their last name, or maybe they think Peter is a silly name for girls? I don’t know. In any event, I put the Peters in charge of Twin Day and crying like babies.

Big Billy, 8: Big Billy is in charge of security (pun intended). He has a birthday coming up, which stinks, because once Billy turns 9, I can no longer call him a “really, really obese 8-year-old.” (Rod: Come up with a new nickname. Work in something about his weight problem. Kids enjoy when you take an interest in them.) To keep Billy in shape for his job, I feed him a strict diet of BK Whoppers and horse lard. (Reader: Don’t worry…the horse lard doesn’t come from real horses. It comes from baby horses.) Check out the picture I created of Billy. It really captures his essence...

Stephanie Sanderson, 12: “Sandy” is the oldest crewmember. (Technically speaking, Sergei is the oldest. But he barely speaks English, so he doesn’t count as a real person.) Sandy is home-schooled, which is kind of ironic.

Sergei Ramananoanov, 34: I found Sergei (I call him “Steve”, since Spanish isn’t my specialty) running a pizza business out of his 1985 Libyan Minivan. I’m not really sure what Steve does around here, but the kids are terrified of him and his Spanish accent. Occasionally Steve will say something to the kids like, “I’m not Spanish (or Mexican),” but we can barely understand him through his thick, Spanish accent.

Tommy Jensen, 9: Tommy is the only member of the crew with a believable fake ID, so I put him in charge of buying our insurance coverage and lottery tickets. Funny story: Tommy showed up on the first day of work with a baby horse, but I don’t know what happened to it.

(Rod: Take an inventory of the rest of the kids running around here, in case you lose another one.)

LETTER: Blockbuster, Inc.

2006-06-05T17:26:00.000-04:00

Following is a bit of correspondence with Blockbuster, Inc., purveyor of rentable video products. Response forthcoming (in all likelihood). Click to view, and read it out loud.

LETTER: The Longaberger Basket Company

2006-06-03T16:47:00.000-04:00

Following is a letter I wrote to The Longaberger Basket Company, manufacturers of decorative, hand-woven baskets and the like. They haven't responded yet, but I expect to hear from them soon.

Click on the letter for an enlarged view (Note: Some computers automatically resize pictures to fit the screen. For Microsoft Internet Explorer users, here's what you do: 1. Click on the letter below; 2. If the letter is unreadable on the next page, simply move your cursor over the letter, and wait for the picture adjustment icon to appear in the lower right corner; 3. Click on the icon; 4. Send me $14.)

Oh...one more thing. Read it out loud.

By popular demand...

2006-05-26T17:53:00.000-04:00

Myspace.com Conversation - #1

2006-05-23T20:55:00.000-04:00

The following e-mail chain is a conversation I recently had with a young lady on Myspace.com that was (and I presume, is) very enamored with me. I gave her my usual Biscoe charm, and her response was nothing less than extraordinary. Literally.

As you read this, please remember: Deep down, I’m a person like you are. But on the surface, I'm really, really hot.